Dud3s

Sounds to me like it was SHE who has changed, not you.

I would think a phone call would be more personable. And the fact that you called hella times (even the day before) should say to her that something is up and that you need to talk to her. I think it's pretty immature for her to write you off like that without even getting your story first. You have nothing to feel bad about.

You did everything you could to save the friendship. And even if she doesn't know that, you do, so you did nothing wrong. Give it some time. Maybe - who knows? - she might come back to her senses and let this slide. There's nothing you can do until then.

Yes it is your fault. Yes she has a right to be royally pissed off especially if she considered you as a close friend. Yes you should have realized she would be mad as rabid dog.

But BOY is she vindictive.

I know I'm bad when it comes to holding things in, but she takes the cake. However, I can understand how she would be pissed at you for a long time, but still 6 months is way too long for something like that. It feels more like a bad breakup between lovers than friends.

The only thing I can say is that, you've done everything you can do to make up for it. Maybe one day you'll be friends again. Maybe not. But she's the only one that's got to let it go. Both of you can't do anything about it until she does.

Serioulsy fucked up? Man, this is FUBAR. Makes me think of some episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

But let's look at some facts.

You lose the address — or don't care to make sure you know where it is (-1). You call her to find out (+1) but only the day before (-1). You are ill but intend to go (+1). You oversleep (-1). You don't immediately send cards/flowers/whatever's necessary or appropriate (-1), but you apologize (+1) repeatedly (+1)...

She gives you a vague address (-1), doesn't reply to any of your messages (-a lot), cuts you off with a short note about how angry she is (angry, not hurt, mind you) (-a lot again)...

Heck, not sure where I'm going with this but I'm inclined to agree with Kami: you handled this in the most clumsy of ways, you didn't show — bottom line — and she has every right and reason to be upset, hurt and even angry (for a bit)...

But this sounds over the top. No one deserves to be treated like this over an honest mistake. Somehow it looks like she needed a reason to get you out of her life (or her husband did — how well do you know him?) because no event is that important to ditch a decade-old friendship over it.

But that, of course, makes me wonder: what kind of friendship was this? Do you really "miss" her? Or are you just angry that you lost her; that she rejected you as a friend? Either you were so close that this incident is terrible but not insurmountable, or you were just good friends and it was bad timing, but doesn't necessitate this kind of ongoing drama...

In any case, I do hope you sort it out, get to put this in perspective, and that perhaps things will cool down. Good luck with this man, cos whatever's going on, whatever happened, this sucks. Take care.

As much as I like to side with the men on these issues you did miss her wedding and that's how she views things. Yes it was due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, but one of them involved YOU oversleeping for the ONE day in her life that is really meant just for her. In that light she has every right to be upset.

Yeah you did what you could to make up for it, but in some people's minds that is simply something you can't make up for. You tried, it didn't seem to work so you have to accept your losses and move on I think.

Think of it like this, when you think of your good friends and you bring up your scenario how do you see the friend reacting? I see it like this, a really good friend wakes up in time, finds the correct place and shows up to my wedding or the reception. If not they are holding on to the bumper that is taking me and my wife to the airport for our honeymoon.

Instead, she got the friend that didn't wake up, didn't get to the place and missed the wedding.

Again I understand part of why you missed it, but it's not like you drove to the wrong place (since you say they are two). You overslept her wedding. That's the part that stands out the most to me. Would've been better if you had a better excuse like your leg got cut off.

Time heals all wounds though.

I'll give you my take from a female's perspective. You messed up way before you missed the wedding.

1) It didn't dawn on you until the day before her wedding that you didn't know where to go. That's huge.

2) You called the day before, when things were insane for her, and you received a short (and curt) response "Higgins Hall". You didn't know which one. Call the halls (since you looked them up) to see where the wedding was instead of calling her about location. If you had gotten up on time you could have headed in the general direction (they are an hour apart) and called early in the morning to find the location.

3) Without knowing which hall you'd have to take a guess because they are an hour apart. You get up a 4am everything would have to go perfect (with a 4hr drive) for you to get to her wedding at 9am. Personally I'd wonder why you didn't get in the night before.

4) You overslept. Yeah, no explaining that one.

But most important, you've known her for a decade and her reaction is surprising to you. It shows the two of you really didn't know each other at all, which is what she might be thinking. 10 yrs - you'd KNOW how to make this right. I don't know how close you two are but from her words I get the feeling you should "know" this.

For a screw up that big, you send a card, you send the gift, reimburse her for any expense she might have paid for you (was there a reception after?), you send flowers...she didn't mess up, you did. You missed one of the most important days of her life. To me, it seems like you were going out of obligation but didn't "really" want to go.

Personally I wouldn't say "friendship is off" but the fact that she is doing that shows how hurt/mad/insert emotion here she is by this (IMO). In your emails if you explained it like you did here it's almost like you were excusing what happened instead of, "I messed up, I can't put into words how much this hurts me that I hurt/disappointed you like this, I'm so sorry, how can I make it up to you?"

Again, from the female perspective, the wound heals when the person does what it takes to make things right - or so much time goes by that it doesn't matter anymore. Up to you which one works for you. :)

I hope what I'm saying makes sense. Not the way I would have handled it (if I were her) but from a female's perspective I can kind of see where she is coming from.

Actually, you all hit a few unspoken nails on the head. First and foremost, however, I did admit to her and will forever admit that she has a right to be angry, that I made the mistakes, and that my mistakes caused her hurt. She has an absolute right to be mad, and I've said as much. Reparations for this, insofar as they can be made, are what I've offered in return.

1) Turns out I only believed I overslept. The wedding, I later found out, was at 6pm, but of course, the "ticket" part of the invitation is what had that, not the main part. Didn't matter in any case: I was too feverish to go on a 4 hr drive. (Hence the oversleeping. Sorta happens when you run a 102 degree fever.) I tried to explain that I was sick over the phone (message -- she never answered), but either she never got the message or simply ignored it. I tried multiple times to talk to her, but nothing. (FYI: Actually, I tried to leave the night before, but after about 1/2 an hour I realized that driving that distance would be totally unsafe, which is why I came back home and slept.)

2) That I didn't send something is ENTIRELY my fault. I admitted to it, over and over again. Originally, the way I addressed it was as follows: Called her with a message of apology and wanting to meet to give them their gift. (I have this thing of giving gifts personally, especially when they require a performance: I wrote them a piece of music.) Apparently, this was the wrong way to handle things. This I didn't know. Of course, I didn't have her new mailing address, but I did have her parents' address. The emails I sent were entirely apologetic, and offered to do whatever she felt necessary for reparations. The first was a pure apology, the second was a deep explanation of everything that went on. There's more to the story I can't reveal here due to personal reasons.

3) @Tyme: She could have also had someone else call me. Either one would have worked. In any case, that I didn't know the day before the wedding, was... well, unfortunately that had to do with the personal reasons I can't speak of. Something supremely more important had sort of pushed the wedding out of my mind at the time. But from her point of view, I totally understood and acknowledged it then, and from your point of view, I totally understand and acknowledge it now.

What gets me is that she never said anything, simply shut me out. That part of it seemed entirely juvenile, especially given our history. If I screwed up, she could have come to me, yelled at me, done whatever. But she didn't. Instead she just walked away never letting me know why. I don't believe in the unforgivable sin, though I realize fully that hurt requires time to heal, and things may never go back to the way they were, pretending as if nothing had happened. I also understand very well that at one point or another people will always disappoint. I hated that my first big disappointment to this person came in the form it did. But the fact remains that I screwed up, and to that I'll own up, plain and simple. If it cost me a friendship, then it was an expensive set of lessons (including "send a card, because all other forms of communication are apparently unreliable").

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned it's a lost cause. If in time she decides to mend things, great. But I won't force the issue. I've done what I can in retrospect do.

@Gnorb: There are times when people can be so angry that there is no point in yelling, let alone telling you why they are mad when you should know on your own terms. It's just that beyond pissed off moment. I've been with my fair share of female friends to know that happens and it's always good to avoid it at all costs.

Besides, I think with everything that happens at a wedding, I doubt she would have the time to ask someone else to call you.

In any case, life goes on and will always fix itself in its own ways.

For the record, I work in the bridal industry and to a VAST majority of the people I interact with, their wedding day is like this MASSIVE princess fantasy come true and they FLIP OUT if even a rose petal is out of place.

I've had girls march into a store and start kicking over dress racks while I'm on the phone because their flowers weren't EXACTLY the same color red as their bridesmaids dresses.

Watch the TV show "Bridezillas" to see what I'm talking about.

Gnorb, I'm about 80% on your side with this one but you missing the wedding seems like it was just one of those "things that didn't go perfectly" on her day. You were both off and I hope things get better.

@Gnorb - friendships (any time of relationship) last exactly as long as they should. Some grow stronger over time, some grow weaker, some (never strong in the first place) "snap" or break "easily". The two people involved determine the path of the friendship - it takes consistent behavior over time to maintain a friendship.

I personally would not end a friendship over missing the wedding but I would see things as they are. If you were one to always be late, she got on your case about it, you were late again, she got on your case (rinse & repeat) that's a sign of a friendship that isn't meant to last (it's only a matter of time before it snaps). If you were late (not show) for her wedding - that's inevitable...why expect anything different? Then I could see her reaction. If this isn't the norm for you, I would have been concerned something was wrong and (wedding or not) took a second to see if you were ok, especially since you had a 4 hr. drive. 10 yr friend? Yeah, I would definitely take the time out and anyone who knows me would expect me to do exactly that. Relieved that you were okay, THEN I'd get pissed off but it wouldn't be a "I'm not going to talk to you for six months then end the friendship" type of thing.

It seems you could jump through hoops to try to make it right but she's not open to forgive you right now, making the effort worthless. Definitely a learning experience. :) She didn't show reactions or behavior in the past that would indicate to you she'd go ballistic if you didn't show?

Six months is a long time, but like Scrivs says time should heal all wounds. Whether the friendship is strong enough to weather this length of time is the question. Six months with no real communication would seem to mean the frindship is over.

If this isn't the norm for you, I would have been concerned something was wrong and (wedding or not) took a second to see if you were ok, especially since you had a 4 hr. drive.

Totally not the norm for me. I'm generally punctual, and when I can't be I always, always call. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tells me we'll meet up somewhere, then cancels or is unable to meet and doesn't call to explain why. At that point I'm the one calling, asking if everything's OK. If it's something big, I'll call multiple times to ensure the person gets the message. (Oddly, mailing something has never before been a requirement, especially since I'm usually able to secure face to face meetings, which I'll attend even if it means my having to drive long distances. I like to keep my word. To me the act of giving is one that should be done in person, because it is so personal.) In the calls I both explained my illness and attempted to schedule a date to meet with them. Of course, sickness alone would not explain all the aberrant behavior (remember that "personal" issue?), particularly calling the day BEFORE the wedding (for which I apologized profusely in messages both during the occurrence and after), though it would explain missing the wedding.

As for seeing patterns of this in the past, in retrospect I can see where this type of behavior would come from. Even then, the extent to which this was taken and the utter lack of communication were completely surprising. What pisses me off most is that most of this could have been cleared up with a 30 minute phone call. Doing this kind of stuff through email sucks, especially if it's the only way.

Right now my biggest concerns are (1) learning to forgive myself, having done all I believe I can without being creepy, and (2) taking lessons from this so that it never happens again. Of course, I may never agree to go to anyone's wedding again, but that's not a big concern.

When people take their wedding ceremony more seriously than their real life they are seriously messed up.

I'm not very sympathetic to women who put their all into one day of their life, that being their wedding.

Seriously, it is not the wedding it is the life which follows, and the friendships which encompass that life which matter.

Unless this was the normal pattern of behavior for you,and you've stated it is not, then I find her behavior unreasonable.

Looking at his avatar, Gnorb seems like the kind of guy that would be late to weddings. It's hard to see for normal eyes, but I"m a trained avatar evaluator.

This is called avatar profiling, soon to be against the law.

Yeah, I heard that too. It's on par with favicon phishing.

If we can't judge a person based on their favicon then what can we judge them on?