Dud3s

Alright, so in response to a recent occasion that involved me waking up at the crack of dawn and picking up a friend, only to have that friend ruin the trip by suggesting terrible shortcuts, changing my radio station, and smoking in my car...I present "The Guide to Riding in Someone Else's Car"

Taking people places can be annoying when you could otherwise make them take their own cars. It’s even more frustrating when five people call ’shotgun’ at once, and then arguments ensue. Therefore, I have created the ultimate guide to riding in someone else’s car.

Calling Shotgun

1. Whosoever wants to ride in the front seat must call shotgun. Shotgun can only be called when both the driver, and the person who wants shotgun are both outside; not underneath a roof. If the driver is outside, and an individual calling shotgun is inside, the inside person is automatically denied shotgun privileges.

2. If two people simultaneously call shotgun, the taller of the two people gets the front seat, the smaller, must ride bitch.

3. In the presence of a female, she automatically gets shotgun.

4. Should the brother or cousin of the driver be present and call shotgun simultaneously with another individual, the brother automatically gets shotgun. This does not apply for brother-in-laws, or anything less than second cousin.

5. If the brother and cousin both call shotgun simultaneously, the brother wins.

6. Parents automatically get shotgun.

7. If ever a discrepancy should occur over who called shotgun first, the driver gets to choose who rides shotgun.

8. He who called shotgun en route to the destination may not call shotgun on the way back unless the return trip occurs two days after.

Hitching a ride

Hitching a ride is defined as riding with a driver when he/she had no intentions of any riders. This can occur when one needs a ride home, as the driver is “on their way”, or if someone needs to be picked up from a friends house. These rules will be enforced.

1. All rules of shotgun apply.

2. Unless the driver specifically asks for directions, the rider(s) will not say “turn here” at any moment, suggest any short-cuts. It is understood that by virtue of the driver’s graciousness to do you a favor, he/she knows what he is doing.

3. The driver has control of the radio. Permission must be asked to touch it, insert a CD. Suggestions are welcome, but no touchy.

4. If the driver is not a smoker, the riders are not smokers. Should the riders have a sudden “nic-fit” they’ll have to deal with it unless the driver permits them to.

5. Do not eat in the driver’s car unless he/she gives permission.

6. Riders, under the clause of ‘hitching’ must provide a minimum of $5 for gas if average citywide gas prices have an average of $1.90(-)/gal. $7 if the average is $2.00(+)/gal.

7. If a rider wants to go to a fast-food restaurant, he must offer to purchase something for the driver, as the driver probably had no intentions of going there in the first place.

8. Should the driver have less than stellar driving habits (like your grandmother, or like Jeff Gordon), at no point will the riders complain about it. They asked for a favor, they best be glad they’re getting it.

9. If the driver is driving someone else’s car as the ‘designated driver’, all of the above rules still apply. They have control of the car, where it goes, how it gets there, and how fast. Period.

I think these things really needed to be said, as I’m tired of patiently taking people places and having them whine, complain, and act like an aggravated child about how I choose to drive my car. Feel free to print this and have people sign it before you take them places.